Aspiring Geneticist Extraordinaire

THE ROYAL COUPLE OF THIEVES [#17] No Ancient and inflexible rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

THE PRODIGAL [#18] Meleager the Mighty, the generally tipsy and carousing warrior-for-hire, was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

ALTARED STATES [#19] No Unabating or Severely Punishing Deities were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

TIES THAT BIND [#20] No Fathers, spiritual or biological, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

THE GREATER GOOD [#21] Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social ostracism. Kids, please don’t give in to peer pressure. Play it safe.

CALLISTO [#22] Joxer’s nose was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, his crossbow was severely damaged.

DEATH MASK [#23] No messenger doves were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several are reportedly missing in action and search-and-rescue efforts are under way.

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE? [#24] Being that war is hell, lots of people were harmed during the production of this motion picture [but since television is a dramatic medium of make-believe, all casualities removed their prosthetic makeup and went home unscathed.

ORPHAN OF WAR [#25] No sleazy warlords who deem it necessary to drink magic elixirs that turn them into scaly centaurs were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

REMEMBER NOTHING [#26] Xena’s memory was not damaged or…what was I saying?

GIANT KILLER [#27] No Bible myths or icons were irreparably mangled during the production of this motion picture.

GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN [#28] No Bloodsucking Bacchae were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, a few Dryads lost their heads.

RETURN OF CALLISTO [#29] Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis, Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables.

WARRIOR…PRINCESS…TRAMP [#30] Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this picture. Meg, however, suffered minor injuries while preparing aardvark nuggets for King Lias.

INTIMATE STRANGER [#31] Argo was not harmed during the making of this motion picture. However, she is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to help her work through her resentment and feelings of distrust toward Xena.

TEN LITTLE WARLORDS [#32] No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena’s ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless’ unexpected mishap.

A SOLSTICE CAROL [#33] Senticles was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several of his toys are in dire need of repair.

THE XENA SCROLLS [#34] No Hollywood producers were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

HERE SHE COMES…MISS AMPHIPOLIS [#35] No ribbons were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several experienced severe motion sickness.

DESTINY [#36] Julius Caesar was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the Producers deny any responsibility for any unfortunate acts of betrayal causing some discomfort.

THE QUEST [#37] Xena’s body was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, it took weeks for Autolycus to get his swagger back.

A NECESSARY EVIL [#38] The reputation of the Amazon Nation was not harmed despite Velasca’s overly radical adherence to an otherwise valid belief system.

A DAY IN THE LIFE [#39] No Slippery Eels were harmed during the production of this motion picture despite their reputation as a fine delicacy in select cultures of the known world.

FOR HIM THE BELL TOLLS [#40] The producers wish to acknowledge the inspiration of Danny Kaye and pay tribute to the classic motion picture ‘Court Jester.’

THE EXECUTION [#41] By popular demand, the executioner will bring back his comfortable lightweight cotton-flax blend robe in a variety of spring colors.

BLIND FAITH [#42] Once again, Gabrielle’s luck with men was harmed during the making of this motion picture.

ULYSSES [#43] Despite Gabrielle’s incessant hurling, Ulysses’ ship was not harmed during the making of this motion picture.

THE PRICE [#44] To show sympathy for the Horde, kaltaka was only served upon request during the production of this motion picture.

LOST MARINER [#45] Cecrops’ ‘Joie de Vivre’ was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

A COMEDY OF EROS [#46] No Cherries were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

THE FURIES [#47] Xena’s sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The furies, however, will be opening their own tap dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT [#48] The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his feathers were severely ruffled. However, a little gel and some mousse straightened out the mess.

THE DIRTY HALF-DOZEN [#49] No Convicts were reformed during the production of this motion picture. Can’t we all just get along?

THE DELIVERER [#50] Gabrielle was slightly well-done during the production of this motion picture. However, the producers would like to recommend a zesty barbeaue sauce to bring out the full flavor of this episode.

GABRIELLE’S HOPE [#51] Despite witnessing the bizarre and somewhat disturbing birth of Gabrielle’s Hope, no farm animals were harmed or traumatized during the production of this motion picture.

THE DEBT I [#52] No frock tarts were killed during the making of this motion picture, although they wished they had been.

THE DEBT II [#53] Xena and Gabrielle’s relationship suffered another blow (although Gabrielle doesn’t know it yet) during the production of this motion picture.

KING OF ASSASSINS [#54] Due to the infliction of a severe wedgie, Joxer was slightly uncomfortable but not seriously harmed during the production of this motion picture.

WARRIOR, PRIESTESS, TRAMP [#55] Despite another Xena lookalike, the gene pool (or rather gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

THE QUILL IS MIGHTIER… [#56] No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

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